Reflections on Fatherhood

By Dave Olson, Former Middle School Head at Sacred Heart Greenwich and incoming Executive Director at the Waterside School, Stamford, CT

I am the proud father of an 11-year old son. I came to parenting later in life than many and had already spent more than 20-years as an educator before our son was born. Working with countless children and their families over the years has allowed me to develop some expertise, especially in the middle school years. I forever encourage parents to embrace the unpredictability of childhood and stay focused on the remarkable development their children will undergo over the span of their many years in school rather than focusing on the day-to-day successes, frustrations, and challenges.

Fatherhood has helped me embrace how difficult this is and has allowed me to learn the following additional truths:

It’s Not About You

I purchased a baseball glove for my son when he was three days old and soon after mounted a mini-basketball hoop in his bedroom. While I knew the pitfalls of being an overbearing parent I couldn’t resist exposing him to the things I loved and kept telling myself that I learned some of my greatest lessons through playing sports and being involved in competition. It turns out that my son has a mild interest in traditional sports, but really loves to read, skateboard, and create things with technology. Of course, my wife instantly fanned the flames of his interests, while I struggled to let go of my dreams of collegiate athletics, the Olympics, and additional feats of greatness in multiple sports. I am a recovering overbearing sports parent and working on supporting his interests so that he will continue to learn the valuable lessons that come from hard work in any venue and that he will experience the joy that comes from doing something he loves. I have even learned various skateboard terms like an “ollie” and a “frontside 180;” certainly I must be the hippest and proudest dad at the skatepark.

Be Present

One of my most salient fatherhood realizations is that my needs are secondary to the needs of my son. Being a father requires me to put the challenges of the day away when entering our home each evening so that I can be fully present for my son and wife. This is a work in progress. Thankfully, though, I have the most remarkable wife who picks up the slack regularly as I fall short. And while the pandemic created numerous profound challenges for schools and families, I found that it created greater opportunities for fathers to be more present in the lives of their children. We had a record number of working parents, many of whom are dads, participate in various virtual events this past year such as parent-teacher conferences. My hope is that fathers enjoyed the experience of being more intimately connected to their children’s education and that schools will continue to offer virtual options to encourage attendance. In addition, being quarantined for the spring of 2020 provided a profound experience for me as my son and I spent each afternoon playing outside together (yes, I “inspired” him to master the finer points of a jump-shot). When returning to in-person learning for the beginning of the 2020-2021 school year he earnestly asked “can you come home early from school each afternoon so that we can spend time together?” This hit me hard as I have spent so much of my life serving my various schools. Once again I am on the rocky road of mastering the simple concept of being present in my son’s daily life.

Enjoy the Ride

I often lament the lack of simplicity in the 21st Century, which is compounded by my tech skills as I am somewhere on the spectrum between a Luddite and digital native. Just like working in schools, being a father has forced me to embrace the sloppiness of each day and not get hung up on my utopian dream of having things arranged in vertical columns with neat bows. I am working on letting go of perfection, not getting sidetracked by complications, and simply enjoying time with my son. 

I salute all dads as we approach Father’s Day and encourage all to celebrate your small victories while remaining committed to being selfless, being present, and enjoying the greatest gift of being a father.

Help Your Daughter Shatter Her Glass Ceiling!

“Shattering glass ceilings”. The term is everywhere right now. But what does it mean? With the inauguration of Vice President-elect Kamala Harris taking place next week, this has been on my mind lately. When I look at my own two daughters, age almost five and almost two, I see so much potential. But I also ask myself: How do we help the next generation of young women keep the momentum going?

To be the leaders of tomorrow, the young girls of today need our help. Here’s how:

• First, we must help them build confidence. A young woman may have intelligence and talent, but without confidence, she will not be able to achieve anything.

• Secondly, we must support our girls with examples of role models and mentors. Knowing about our possibilities and seeing other accomplished women is a key part of reaching our own goals.

• Lastly, frequent and meaningful conversations about female identity are critical to helping them shape their ideas about who they are and the women they will become.

Confidence is Key

We all want our daughters to feel that they CAN and WILL achieve anything in life. But how is this feeling developed? In a society full of comparisons on social media and pressure to get ahead of others in school, girls need to be reminded of how special and important their individual qualities are.

As parents, we have a unique opportunity to see our children’s strengths firsthand and witness the qualities that set them apart from others. But how often do we help them identify their strengths? Sometimes they need to hear positive feedback when they do something great to boost self-esteem and motivation. So remember to be specific and praise actions, not personality traits. For example, say something like, “You spoke so confidently and bravely with your teacher today, I am proud of what a leader you are becoming in your class.” This statement is more effective than a simple, “I think you’re really brave.” This way, you are intentionally reinforcing positive behaviors and choices, with the hope that they will repeat them in the future. This is also important in helping them to embrace their individuality.

Don’t forget to help your daughter recognize and celebrate her uniqueness. When she comes to you for advice, for example, remind her to follow her heart. During adolescence, many kids tend to follow the crowd. We should remind our girls that being different is not only okay, it is also a strength. Asking our girls questions such as “what is your gut telling you?” will help her reflect and build a sense of self-assurance that is vital for future success.

In addition, identifying how we behave and model for our girls is another key component of helping them build confidence. Do we exhibit self-assuredness and poise in our work? Do we take pride in it, and interact with colleagues and friends in a way that we want our daughters to emulate? Do we model acceptance of our bodies? Do we speak kindly about ourselves? Our girls are watching us and whether we intend to or not, we have an impact on their self-esteem. Their sense of self begins with a strong model for confidence. When girls are confident in themselves, they can dare to dream about and achieve goals that might be otherwise impossible.

Look to Role Models in their Lives

For our girls to achieve the same level of engagement and leadership that we have been able to attain, they must first have exposure. The adage, “We cannot be what we cannot see” could not be truer here.

Making sure to expose our girls to a variety of role models in a range of fields, and from diverse backgrounds, is ideal for encouraging them to think about themselves as competent women in the future. This is also why it is so important for accomplished women to become mentors to underserved youth, who may not have sufficient opportunities to see examples of various careers in their communities. It is never too early to have our daughters start conversations with other women about their career paths and experiences. We should encourage our girls to seek out as many new experiences as possible that will allow them to meet women in all fields.

Identifying opportunities to engage with female leaders will have a positive impact on the way they see themselves as young women. Engagement in after-school clubs, youth groups, dance classes, sports teams, art or music classes, or community service with an encouraging female mentor are great ways to experience this.

Engage in Dialogue about Issues Facing Girls and Women

Of everything we can do to motivate and lead the young women of the future, open and honest conversations are the most important.

It is important to discuss ideas and concepts like feminism, the history of women’s rights, the obstacles to gender equality that remain today, and women’s overall role in society. We must educate our girls and give them a chance to talk about how we got here and where we are headed.

Girls absorb so many messages, both positive and negative, about what they should and should not do as females. They need candid conversations that encourage them to reflect on the significance of their experiences and help them to challenge misconceptions. For example, many girls feel that if they speak proudly about their accomplishments or their appearance, they will be viewed as “conceited” or “full of themselves”. If they are allowed to consider this idea further, they would realize that this is not true. There is no reason that females shouldn’t be as loud and proud of their strengths as their male counterparts. Encouraging our girls to be proud of themselves is an important step in allowing them to shine. Honest reflection and candid discussion about our place in the world are vital to motivating the young women of the future.

I look at our young girls of today with so much hope and optimism. They have access to more information and opportunities than we ever did. They are also growing up in a more equitable society. The likelihood of a female succeeding is greater than ever, due to the powerful line up of women who came before us and broke barriers. Girls can dare to dream anything. The possibilities are endless. With confidence, access to strong mentors, and open dialogue, the sky's the limit for the next generation of women.

Girl Power!

A parenting workshop with Erika Brunwasser
Thursday, February 25
7:30 pm

Please join Erika, Social/Emotional Coach & Workshop Specialist, for an evening of guidance and support for a positive path to parenthood as part of the Keating Quigley Enrichment Collaborative.

Email For More Information

Erika is also available for one-on-one virtual student mentoring sessions.

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Written By Erika Brunwasser | Social/Emotional Coach & Workshop Specialist

Raising a Resilient Child: All it Takes is a Little PLV...

How resilient are your kids? As parents, we all know that resilience is a vital skill, and we want our kids to have it. But how? Resilience is defined as the ability to bounce back from challenges. But with the current trends of “Helicopter” and “Bulldozer” parenting, so many of us are inclined to make sure the path to adulthood is free of obstacles. This way, our kids can walk right through childhood and come out on the other end without a scratch. It’s only natural that we want to shield our kids from anything and everything that is scary and unknown.

But how can we raise resilient kids if they have nothing to “bounce back” from? If they are not truly challenged, if they never fail, how will they succeed? Have you ever looked at your child and wished they were able to cope better with the common hurdles that come their way? In my experience as a school counselor for elementary, middle and high school students, the most resilient kids (whether they were six or sixteen) had specific and recurring traits. These kids possessed the ability to meet challenges head-on and keep pushing through life. In order to develop the skills necessary to do this, families should strive to equip their kids with the following attributes:

A SENSE OF PURPOSE. You know from your own life that waking up each morning ready to face the day requires the drive and excitement to actually get up and do it. Without something to look forward to, it would certainly be impossible to push through challenges. All of the most resilient students with whom I worked engaged in a positive hobby or passion. Hobbies and clubs give kids a skill and a place to work through many of life’s responsibilities. They also provide a chance to engage positively with their peers, mentors, communities and families. This doesn’t necessarily need to come from a formal club within school. It can come from music, art, sports, a place of worship, dance, discussion groups; the sky's the limit with this one! Any chance they have to meet productively with peers and an older mentor can provide a sense of belonging and purpose. It’s common for kids to fight their parents on this. They may be “busy” with school work, or want time to tinker with technology. Stay strong and encourage a couple hours a week of a positive, productive activity. This is especially important during challenging times. With COVID, for example, many of our kids are more isolated than usual and could really use the support of a wider community. Many organizations are offering virtual discussion or learning-based groups. This is something to absolutely take advantage of. For many kids in cities or highly concentrated areas, this could be the only possible outlet right now. If your child loves what they are doing, they will feel energized, connected, and accomplished. It will make all the difference in the world.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE from parents/caregivers. Adolescence is, for most, one of the toughest times in development. It is full of insecurity, a preoccupation with how we are viewed by others, and pressure to “fit in”. The most confident kids who are willing to take risks and make mistakes, are the ones with the most supportive and loving families. The fact that you are reading this is a step in the right direction. We all love our children, but how do we show love? What is the language we use when kids don’t meet our expectations, or make mistakes? Kids learn a lot about how to treat themselves from how we treat them. Being confident enough to say “even when I mess up, it will all be okay,” can lead them to try anything. As parents, we have an opportunity to be the first to instill this in them. It is inevitable and natural that during these unprecedented times, kids will have hard feelings and extra challenges. Let them sit with these feelings, take a back seat and act as an understanding and comforting ear, empowering them to work through their emotions in their own time.

A "POSITIVE" INNER VOICE. It’s important to be as positive as possible in conversations with our kids. Many times, their inner voice comes directly from what they’ve been hearing at home. Positive self-talk is a vital skill for resilience, and we can teach it by modeling it for them. Next time your child brings home a less than desirable grade on a test, try saying something like, “I know this is disappointing, but you can absolutely do better next time. It’s just one test. Let’s talk about what support you need, and we will help you get it.” Or, try applying this strategy to current times. When your teen is complaining about not being able to “hang out with friends” because of the Coronavirus, try to put a positive spin on it. Encourage them to make a list of fun ways to overcome their obstacles (e.g. Zoom meeting with friends where they can all watch the same movie, bake something together, or have a dance party). Positivity matters when trying to develop skills for resilience. When a child hears this type of positive reaction repeatedly, they will absorb it and make it part of their own inner voice. Think about the difference between the above responses and more negative responses like, “How did you get this grade? Why would you let that happen? This absolutely cannot happen again. Your dream college will not accept grades like this.” Or “You are not seeing friends! Forget it! It’s not safe. Period!” With a hopeful and positive outlook, we can help our kids power through bumps in the road on their life journey. Remember, skills are mastered through practice, practice, practice.

If there’s one goal we all have as parents, it’s that our kids can thrive in our homes and beyond. Every parent I’ve ever met has expressed a desire for their child to one day become self-sufficient and have a full life. Resilience is key to all of this. Making a few small changes in a child’s life now, can help them get on the track to a more fulfilling life where challenges are met head on. We can take small steps today towards developing the resilience our children need to enjoy life as tomorrow’s independent adults. 

Remember... The small steps we take today will reap big rewards as our children develop the resilience they need to enjoy life as tomorrow’s independent adults.

Erika is hosting a 6-week enrichment series starting October 22nd, 2020 for girls ages 11-13 and 14-16. This is a virtual safe space for adolescent girls to talk about issues relevant to growing up and becoming a kind, confident leader.
Click here to learn more and register!

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Written By Erika Brunwasser | Social/Emotional Coach & Workshop Specialist