By Dave Olson, Former Middle School Head at Sacred Heart Greenwich and incoming Executive Director at the Waterside School, Stamford, CT
I am the proud father of an 11-year old son. I came to parenting later in life than many and had already spent more than 20-years as an educator before our son was born. Working with countless children and their families over the years has allowed me to develop some expertise, especially in the middle school years. I forever encourage parents to embrace the unpredictability of childhood and stay focused on the remarkable development their children will undergo over the span of their many years in school rather than focusing on the day-to-day successes, frustrations, and challenges.
Fatherhood has helped me embrace how difficult this is and has allowed me to learn the following additional truths:
It’s Not About You
I purchased a baseball glove for my son when he was three days old and soon after mounted a mini-basketball hoop in his bedroom. While I knew the pitfalls of being an overbearing parent I couldn’t resist exposing him to the things I loved and kept telling myself that I learned some of my greatest lessons through playing sports and being involved in competition. It turns out that my son has a mild interest in traditional sports, but really loves to read, skateboard, and create things with technology. Of course, my wife instantly fanned the flames of his interests, while I struggled to let go of my dreams of collegiate athletics, the Olympics, and additional feats of greatness in multiple sports. I am a recovering overbearing sports parent and working on supporting his interests so that he will continue to learn the valuable lessons that come from hard work in any venue and that he will experience the joy that comes from doing something he loves. I have even learned various skateboard terms like an “ollie” and a “frontside 180;” certainly I must be the hippest and proudest dad at the skatepark.
Be Present
One of my most salient fatherhood realizations is that my needs are secondary to the needs of my son. Being a father requires me to put the challenges of the day away when entering our home each evening so that I can be fully present for my son and wife. This is a work in progress. Thankfully, though, I have the most remarkable wife who picks up the slack regularly as I fall short. And while the pandemic created numerous profound challenges for schools and families, I found that it created greater opportunities for fathers to be more present in the lives of their children. We had a record number of working parents, many of whom are dads, participate in various virtual events this past year such as parent-teacher conferences. My hope is that fathers enjoyed the experience of being more intimately connected to their children’s education and that schools will continue to offer virtual options to encourage attendance. In addition, being quarantined for the spring of 2020 provided a profound experience for me as my son and I spent each afternoon playing outside together (yes, I “inspired” him to master the finer points of a jump-shot). When returning to in-person learning for the beginning of the 2020-2021 school year he earnestly asked “can you come home early from school each afternoon so that we can spend time together?” This hit me hard as I have spent so much of my life serving my various schools. Once again I am on the rocky road of mastering the simple concept of being present in my son’s daily life.
Enjoy the Ride
I often lament the lack of simplicity in the 21st Century, which is compounded by my tech skills as I am somewhere on the spectrum between a Luddite and digital native. Just like working in schools, being a father has forced me to embrace the sloppiness of each day and not get hung up on my utopian dream of having things arranged in vertical columns with neat bows. I am working on letting go of perfection, not getting sidetracked by complications, and simply enjoying time with my son.
I salute all dads as we approach Father’s Day and encourage all to celebrate your small victories while remaining committed to being selfless, being present, and enjoying the greatest gift of being a father.
