How resilient are your kids? As parents, we all know that resilience is a vital skill, and we want our kids to have it. But how? Resilience is defined as the ability to bounce back from challenges. But with the current trends of “Helicopter” and “Bulldozer” parenting, so many of us are inclined to make sure the path to adulthood is free of obstacles. This way, our kids can walk right through childhood and come out on the other end without a scratch. It’s only natural that we want to shield our kids from anything and everything that is scary and unknown.
But how can we raise resilient kids if they have nothing to “bounce back” from? If they are not truly challenged, if they never fail, how will they succeed? Have you ever looked at your child and wished they were able to cope better with the common hurdles that come their way? In my experience as a school counselor for elementary, middle and high school students, the most resilient kids (whether they were six or sixteen) had specific and recurring traits. These kids possessed the ability to meet challenges head-on and keep pushing through life. In order to develop the skills necessary to do this, families should strive to equip their kids with the following attributes:
A SENSE OF PURPOSE. You know from your own life that waking up each morning ready to face the day requires the drive and excitement to actually get up and do it. Without something to look forward to, it would certainly be impossible to push through challenges. All of the most resilient students with whom I worked engaged in a positive hobby or passion. Hobbies and clubs give kids a skill and a place to work through many of life’s responsibilities. They also provide a chance to engage positively with their peers, mentors, communities and families. This doesn’t necessarily need to come from a formal club within school. It can come from music, art, sports, a place of worship, dance, discussion groups; the sky's the limit with this one! Any chance they have to meet productively with peers and an older mentor can provide a sense of belonging and purpose. It’s common for kids to fight their parents on this. They may be “busy” with school work, or want time to tinker with technology. Stay strong and encourage a couple hours a week of a positive, productive activity. This is especially important during challenging times. With COVID, for example, many of our kids are more isolated than usual and could really use the support of a wider community. Many organizations are offering virtual discussion or learning-based groups. This is something to absolutely take advantage of. For many kids in cities or highly concentrated areas, this could be the only possible outlet right now. If your child loves what they are doing, they will feel energized, connected, and accomplished. It will make all the difference in the world.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE from parents/caregivers. Adolescence is, for most, one of the toughest times in development. It is full of insecurity, a preoccupation with how we are viewed by others, and pressure to “fit in”. The most confident kids who are willing to take risks and make mistakes, are the ones with the most supportive and loving families. The fact that you are reading this is a step in the right direction. We all love our children, but how do we show love? What is the language we use when kids don’t meet our expectations, or make mistakes? Kids learn a lot about how to treat themselves from how we treat them. Being confident enough to say “even when I mess up, it will all be okay,” can lead them to try anything. As parents, we have an opportunity to be the first to instill this in them. It is inevitable and natural that during these unprecedented times, kids will have hard feelings and extra challenges. Let them sit with these feelings, take a back seat and act as an understanding and comforting ear, empowering them to work through their emotions in their own time.
A "POSITIVE" INNER VOICE. It’s important to be as positive as possible in conversations with our kids. Many times, their inner voice comes directly from what they’ve been hearing at home. Positive self-talk is a vital skill for resilience, and we can teach it by modeling it for them. Next time your child brings home a less than desirable grade on a test, try saying something like, “I know this is disappointing, but you can absolutely do better next time. It’s just one test. Let’s talk about what support you need, and we will help you get it.” Or, try applying this strategy to current times. When your teen is complaining about not being able to “hang out with friends” because of the Coronavirus, try to put a positive spin on it. Encourage them to make a list of fun ways to overcome their obstacles (e.g. Zoom meeting with friends where they can all watch the same movie, bake something together, or have a dance party). Positivity matters when trying to develop skills for resilience. When a child hears this type of positive reaction repeatedly, they will absorb it and make it part of their own inner voice. Think about the difference between the above responses and more negative responses like, “How did you get this grade? Why would you let that happen? This absolutely cannot happen again. Your dream college will not accept grades like this.” Or “You are not seeing friends! Forget it! It’s not safe. Period!” With a hopeful and positive outlook, we can help our kids power through bumps in the road on their life journey. Remember, skills are mastered through practice, practice, practice.
If there’s one goal we all have as parents, it’s that our kids can thrive in our homes and beyond. Every parent I’ve ever met has expressed a desire for their child to one day become self-sufficient and have a full life. Resilience is key to all of this. Making a few small changes in a child’s life now, can help them get on the track to a more fulfilling life where challenges are met head on. We can take small steps today towards developing the resilience our children need to enjoy life as tomorrow’s independent adults.
Remember... The small steps we take today will reap big rewards as our children develop the resilience they need to enjoy life as tomorrow’s independent adults.
Erika is hosting a 6-week enrichment series starting October 22nd, 2020 for girls ages 11-13 and 14-16. This is a virtual safe space for adolescent girls to talk about issues relevant to growing up and becoming a kind, confident leader.
Click here to learn more and register!