When I sat down to write my thoughts about "Girl Power," one woman who symbolized this concept could not escape my mind: Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ms. Ginsburg, or "The Notorious R.B.G." as many of us now refer to her, was the embodiment of female power, autonomy, and success. In her 87 years, she taught us all how a woman can have a groundbreaking and successful career while simultaneously raising a family. And most importantly, how to do it all with grace and compassion. Since her death in September, I have been trying to pinpoint just what made her powerful and inspirational. From my own experience as a school counselor, I know that the strongest female students with whom I worked seemed to be independent, above all else. This theme of independence must have resonated with R.B.G. because she is often quoted talking about it. When discussing her ideas of feminism and her upbringing, she is quoted as saying, "My mother told me to be a lady. And for her, that meant be your own person, be independent." I couldn't agree more. I believe that independence, along with healthy coping skills, and key female mentors, are three of the most important elements of helping a teen to unleash her "GIRL POWER!"
When my daughter was born, I sat in a baby parenting class of ten women in New York City. The group facilitator asked us moms, "What is your ultimate goal with this baby?" Our responses varied. The women responded with everything from "keep my baby safe" to "get him to follow his passion in life." After we all went around the circle and spoke, the group leader finally said, "None of this matters unless your child is independent. Your job is to raise him/her and give him/her the skills to be ready to leave your house and go out into the world as an independent adult." I could not agree more! With independence and a strong sense of self, a child can accomplish anything. But how does one attain this? In a world full of Instagram and TikTok followers and hovering parents, how can an adolescent girl manage to assert herself and make her own choices? Having a strong sense of knowing what and who makes her feel good is key. Also, having parents who set clear and reasonable limits is essential in the process of developing independence.
Teaching her how to recognize and define emotions, and stay away from things that make her feel bad is very important. We can only make good choices and trust our instincts if we learn to be honest about feelings, friendships, and situations that do and do not serve us. As a parent, you can work with your daughters on this in almost any situation. Do you notice that your adolescent daughter continues to want to hang out with a group of girls who are not nice to her? Encourage her to think about how she feels in the moment when she is with them. Try guiding her by saying something like, "How did you feel when X said that to you? How did your body feel? Your heart?" Once she is able to recognize this, she may one day articulate it and say, "Spending time with X sometimes leaves me feeling excluded or not great. I'm going to hang out with my other friend Y today, who makes me feel fun and silly."
As for setting limits, have you ever tried to encourage your child to join an activity in which they have no interest? That's a great time to set boundaries and encourage independence! Hearing them out while sticking to your expectations is important. Try saying something like, "I hear that you don't want to do this, and I do understand, but you are going to try it once. If you don't like it after the first time, we will discuss it again and make a new decision together." As your child gets used to you encouraging her expression of feelings and setting limits, she will naturally start to become more independent.
Remember those feelings I just encouraged you to allow your daughter to experience? What happens when those emotions feel absolutely awful? We all have challenging situations and moments, whether we're six, 16, or 60. The key to becoming a stable and healthy adult is having the appropriate coping skills to actually deal with these feelings. If your daughter is going to change the world, she must start within herself! Girls must have a healthy outlet in which to release their thoughts and feelings. Whether it is some form of physical activity like a sport or dance, something creative like art or writing, or even small self-care acts like taking a hot shower, journaling, or listening to music. All of these coping skills can become part of your daughter's (and your) routine. Daily stress and setbacks happen. We need to teach our daughters healthy ways to deal with them, so they do not turn to unhealthy habits or risky behaviors to cope. We are seeing this now with the Coronavirus. Kids that are set up with healthy ways to cope are faring better with all the changes in our uncertain world than those who lack these positive outlets. One certainly cannot attain "Girl Power" without being able to cope with the "tough stuff" that comes her way.
I bet many of you have noticed by now that your teen daughter is not running to you for advice very often anymore. But that doesn't mean she isn't in need of it! As girls grow and reach early adolescence, they tend to start to keep things from their parents. But with everything the world is throwing at our young girls right now, they need a level-headed and unbiased mentor to guide them in the right direction. Teen girls are dealing with so much more than we ever dealt with. From pressures by peers and social media to look a certain way, to the burden of rigorous academics and the college admissions process, to simply navigating the adolescent brain in a global pandemic, it is a lot to bear. Making a connection with someone outside of their immediate family, such as a family friend, school counselor, therapist, coach, aunt, or other trustworthy adults, is key to a girl's healthy development at this age. The right mentors can teach kids how to navigate the world in a calm, level-headed manner. Cultivating relationships with female mentors, especially those who embody independence and confidence, will help put young girls on the path to achieving their goals.
Most of us will not rise to the highest court in the United States of America, as Ruth Bader Ginsburg did. But let us start right where we are. We can define "Girl Power" within our own families and communities, beginning with the teenage girls in our lives. We can support adolescent girls to succeed in our chaotic world by encouraging independence, healthy coping skills, and mentorship. With the right tools in place, our girls can undoubtedly unleash their superpowers, one of which is simply being a GIRL!
Erika is hosting a 6-week enrichment series starting October 22nd, 2020 for girls ages 11-13 and 14-16. This is a virtual safe space for adolescent girls to talk about issues relevant to growing up and becoming a kind, confident leader.
Click here to learn more and register!
